I was at Ginn Motor Company in Covington one afternoon — long, long ago — and witnessed the following exchange. Jimmy Carter was in town, running for president, and walked up to my friend Wayne Hudson. Carter stuck out his hand and said, “Hi, I’m Jimmy Carter and I want to be ... ”
My friend, Wayne, whom we called Thurman because that was his daddy’s name, wiped off his hand with a greasy oil rag, shook the future president’s hand and said, “I’ll be a son-of-a-gun if everybody and his brother isn’t running for sheriff of Newton County! Tell me why I should vote for you!”
Well, to channel my old friend, Wayne, “I’ll be a son-of-a-gun if everybody and his brother isn’t running for the Democratic nominee for president of the United States.”
You can’t tell one socialist that’s running from another without a scorecard, either. I think the nomination will come down to which candidate can promise to out-free stuff the others.
I suppose the front-runner might actually be Bernie Sanders, who would probably have faced Donald Trump in the last election if the Clintons hadn’t actually rigged the primary against him. For years he was known to his constituents in the U.S. Senate as Crazy Bernie. That’s what his friends called him, understand. At least he was forthright enough to admit he is a socialist. He is obviously one of those socialists who is in favor of giving away other people’s money because he certainly has managed to make and keep and lavishly spend plenty of his own. Not that there is anything wrong with that. It’s just a little disingenuous to base your whole campaign on railing against other people just like yourself.
A guy named Eric Swalwell, a 38-year-old Congressman from California is running. He is not to be confused with Jerry FALLWELL. Fallwell is the guy who was already caught. Swalwell’s primary qualification, according to his own admission, is that he is young. Same goes for Seth Moulton of Massachusetts, another candidate no one outside his own district has ever heard of.
To counter that youth movement, we have Mike Gravel, an 88-year-old former U.S. senator from Alaska who pledges to make American a direct democracy.
Tim Ryan, an Ohio representative whose primary address is in the pocket of Labor Union bosses, is giving it a go.
Of course, we have good old Beto O’ Rourke out in Texas who couldn’t win his own state in the recent senatorial election against Ted Cruz. He has a little baggage, such as prior arrests for burglary and DUI — but hey, the standards aren’t the same for the Democrats as say, a Republican Supreme Court nominee, so you know.
There are a couple or four more men in the race, too, but they are just running for the exercise, as Lester Maddox used to say. We need to skip over them so we can look at a few of the women.
First we have Elizabeth Pocahontas Warren, who claimed for years to be of Native American ancestry for political and economic gain, knowing all along that she was as phony as a lease for the Brooklyn Bridge printed on a yellow legal pad. What she didn’t count on was do-it-yourself DNA testing becoming so readily available before the 2020 votes were cast.
Then there is Amy Klobuchar, a Minnesota senator whose main claim to fame is falsely disparaging the previously mentioned Supreme Court nominee in last year’s confirmation hearings. That nominee is now a jurist, by the way.
Let’s not forget the senator from California, Kamala Harris, who has the two primary qualifications for a winning Democratic nominee. She is an African-American woman. She is using a lot of Hillary Clinton’s former staff in her fundraising efforts, since they didn’t seem to have anything to do, and she seems to be doing quite well.
We also have Tulsi Gabbard of Hawaii, Marianne Williamson and, oh goodness — there are more than I can count without taking off my shoes.
And now Uncle Joe Biden has thrown his hat into the ring. Barack Obama’s former vice president, who has been mocked and castigated over the past two months on every news network and late night comedy show for his touchy-feely way with women, has quieted the long-term speculation and announced that he, too, is in the race.
Just another boring old white man with a lot of other people’s money.
Buckle your seatbelts, y’all. The New Hampshire primary is only nine months away. No telling what political plot could be conceived and born in nine months.
Anybody seen Stacey Abrams lately?